excerpt: and then she woke up
15/01/2010 § 1 Comment
After existential moment with a few, perhaps a lot, of moments in between…
“I woke up for the first time without a headache or a pain in my heart. My head was not spinning, my heart felt content, almost pleasant. It was also the first time that I woke up and I greatfully thought of him, the way he was, the way we were, the way we never could be. I thought that thinking those things would surely bring on an episode, but they didn’t, I just lied there, literally feeling my heart swell. My heart felt more complete, it’s hard to describe, but it almost felt like a loaf of bread that had been baked to perfection. It was tough on the outside, not callous, yet warm and soft and dense of the inside.
I looked out my window and saw the sky, crisp with the morning. I didn’t crave coffee, I just wanted to drink it, to taste it, to take it in, to take it all in.
I almost-boiled the water, measured my fresh-grind, and waited the four-minutes to plunge the French-press. Something was different today. My movements seemed fluid and unhindered, like life had become the lake, and I was merely swimming through it.
Once my coffee was ready I tasted it. There was no bitter aftertaste, no sour-fuzzy stuff that I had tasted a few weeks before. No. This time it was smooth and a little bit salty.
It reminded me of a taste I had not encountered for quite sometime. It reeled me back to the past, the moments I had shared with him. This time I didn’t cry, this time my mind didn’t spin out of control and my heart leap from my chest. At that moment, I realized how much I loved him.
However, love became a peculiar thing to me. It no longer held the connotation of possession and demands, in was better than that, it was more complete than that.
I suddenly had the urge to laugh at my sincerest stupidity as the child I once was. Why would anyone want to strangle something she loved?
Even though I was waiting to black-out, it still didn’t happen. I was actually able to muse about the pain and the joy. It felt like I literally stepped away from my brain and body and just looked at my contentment from afar.
My love had grown more deep, more profound than I could ever have imagined since coming here, and it was at that moment that I realized I had to let go. The fear, the pain, the sorrow, the joy, the laughter were all things that tainted something that had become cleansed and purified. It had been nurtured and it had grown to proportions that I had never thought possible. There was no sense of control, no anger, and most importantly, no fear. In its place was a stream of thoughts and feelings, able to change with the shores and the moon. It had come full circle.
I decided then and there that seeing him again could ruin everything that had just been created. However, I looked at my self, as I was standing away from the physical me, and decided to not make any promises, to ebb and flow with the tides and changing streams.
I looked around and heard the twittering of birds, the rustle of leaves and the shiver of the wind. No unit of time or space could measure the place that I was, how far I had come, or what was to happen next. I exhaled and for the moment realized that I was unmistakably alone.
And, I was ok with that.”