it was all a dream
23/01/2010 § 3 Comments
The other day, during my siesta, I had the most vivid dream it was almost clairvoyant, or at least I hope. I was sitting at a desk, in an apartment in Toronto, with white walls, raw, wood floors, just me, at a desk, the desk was white, typing away for The Informal Press, older, but content.
I knew I was older because I was thinner, a little wrinklier, and I could tell my-future-self had become a little wiser. I could sense that I was on the verge of buying a dog, a border collie, and that I had a few properties scattered throughout the world. The only part that wasn’t sad, but different, was that I was alone. I had no friends around me, in my immediate surroundings, and no lover to keep me company. I could tell I had no lover by the look in my eyes. It was just me and my-future-dog.
When I woke up, I felt like I had sand in my eyes. My subconscious self did not want to wake up. I wonder if I had not woken up, would I just simply merge into my dream? Is that really what I want for my future? Maybe it isn’t, maybe that’s why I woke up. But, I still had sand in my eyes.
Nevertheless, although my-future-self was alone, I was not discontent. I think I had come to terms with being by myself for a very long time. Although I could sense my dreaming-self to be a bit saddened, I did not sense any regret. She had come to terms with the life she had chosen and stuck to it. Knowing that she gave up a lot to get to where she was, she figured that regretting any of it would be a slap-in-the-face to any and all that she had left behind.
So, I guess I got a glimpse of what may come to be. Am I happy or elated that this how it might be? No. I can honestly say that I had pictured my life differently. I wanted to share it with someone I cared about, but who knows if my-future-self will find someone again. Will I be ok with it? Of course. If that’s the way it is meant to be, then that is how I will live it.
If I don’t like it, at any point, I can always change it.