03/06/2010 § Leave a comment

Like an unforeseen subtlety — thorough and pain-staking — memories creep back in. Some people decide to face the fear of it head on. Some choose to flee from it. Some, still, fight it, making it manifest into grey-hairs and “elevens” between the brow.

Before this past weekend, I wanted to flee, back to Buenos Aires, back into a life filled with aloofness. Things seemed simpler there. Everyday was mentally hectic, but the busy b would take her time with each day, knowing that her time was finite (and, apparently in third person.)

Coming back indefinitely has thrown me into a mode that I hoped to move away from: I started planning everything, my whole life, what I am going to do, where I will be going. When you live like that, always ahead of yourself, you can never really enjoy the things you have right now. Such were my moments leading up to moving.

Going to the cottage, I got to talk to A about it. My anxiety at being back, not having a space of my own, spending too much time planning and not enough time just living. As a friend, she understood and let me ramble. As a friend, she said, you will feel much better when you finally move.

There is nothing more reassuring than discovering that your friends are astute and observant and usually right. It makes for a good feeling when you surround yourself with those kind of people. It means they have brains.

Moving into my new apartment, painting my sea-foam, teal-puke room an off-white, setting up T’s furniture in the living room, putting plates and glasses away has been methodical therapy. As if keeping my hands busy let my mind be present. A was right. She’s got brains.

Walking around Little Portugal, surrounded by a similar rustic charm that I felt in Buenos Aires, I started feeling lighter on my feet again. There is something so sentient about this neighbourhood, about the lives I get to observe, a quiet tranquility of the downtown-outskirts. It’s what Little Italy was a decade ago, before the bistros and stilettos (-es?), Portuguese-speakers everywhere, recognizing some words and phrases that are similar in Spanish.

It puts me at ease to know that someone can be anywhere and find the best of both worlds. A balance.


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