when it’s all said and busy

07/06/2010 § 1 Comment

As usual, mom, you were right.

Buzz, buzz, buzz goes the little bees in my brain.

I had a friend once tell me that I am a thinker. My dad and mom have said a similar thing. Sometimes, I find myself completely trapped in my mental world, not in a fantastical way, but a penitentiary one.

Over the past 6 months I have seen, heard, and read some serious stuff. I filed important details into my rolodex of ideas, have been thinning, shaving, fluffing them up in order to unify, synthesize, them as one cohesive product (or creation!)

Still, when dealing with that many thoughts your mind can become a black hole. It will suck you in and transport you to another dimension of surreality. Like stepping away from a light, not to plagiarize Plato, sometimes I steep into something much darker than I had been a part of before. I begin to look at life with a half-empty glass of milk and question my purpose: what AM I supposed to do with all of these thoughts? How do I share my ideas with everyone?

For years I have acted the sieve, taking in people’s stories and ideas, mashing them into my cerebral closet, saving each article for an appropriate day. People are truly brilliant beings.

Sometimes, I am overwhelmed with this burden I have self-imposed. My life is out of balance. The scales are tipped and it’s getting harder and harder to lift the weight.

Happiness is proportionately opposite to sadness. On the one hand, I could find contentment, letting life fall into place ever so seamlessly. I could seek out the satisfaction of simplicity, come to terms with the order of things.

On the other hand, I can seek out a sense of elation not for myself, but for my future generations, knowing that life could get very tumultuous in the go-between. Like all humans and animals, I am adverse to pain.

However, the motivation behind this goal is a sense of greater good.

I was sitting in a car today with a man I barely knew. He was driving me back from Napanee from a friend’s wedding. So, like most conversations that I tend to get myself into, we started talking about the fate of the world:

Yeah, I got a job with the government and let me tell you, there are some seriously corrupt things that go on there.

Like what?

Well, they tend to waste money. If they have a surplus of $150,000 from the budget, they will buy 6 cars to keep ensure they get the same amount for next year.

Yeah, I heard about that. The government seems to do that in all sectors. So, why do you work there if it can be so frustrating to watch?

Well, it’s a job. It pays my bills, it puts food on the table. I will have a good pension and my benefits are amazing. In the end, I feel like our whole world is going to shit, so I may as well do the best I can with what I got given to me.

Hm. I see.

And, so it goes for all of us. The unfortunate reality is that we have to work in the things that we don’t enjoy just to live. Faith in humanity and its ability to change has put a real damper on our introspective outlook. We have accepted a fate that has not yet befallen us, like sheep that sense their impending death when the wolves descend the hills.

We could band together. We could fight.

Such is my internal dilemma because I would really like to contently nibble on the grass and find a partner and raise some kids. But, I know that if those holes in the fences are not patched, are not fixed and reinforced, that one day those wolves will find their way through, they will descend the hills and prey upon the young. That, I cannot bear.

For this reason, I am always thinking of ways in which to better the future which means I continually live outside the now. It’s a kind of protective fear, a need to maintain order in the lives that have yet to be. It’s a bizarre sensation, like living in a perpetual dream, so far removed from the other things I would like to do in life, like read or drink coffee all day or sip on scotch or just sit and talk with incredible minds.

Life is going to be interesting. As usual.

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§ One Response to when it’s all said and busy

  • mom85 says:

    Thanks my baby b. Sorry for the buzzing brain, both your parents are like that, but living life will give you the wisdom to co-exist, when to fight, & when to let go. Your Dad still worries a lot, buzzing brain with no volume control; me, life is what it is, never easy, but always interesting–even the mundane. I’ve learned to go with the flow more or less??

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