seeing the shift
12/06/2010 § Leave a comment
Today, I opened up theinformalpress blog to do some copy&pasting for an upcoming project. I started from the beginning of my trip south, ctrl +c-ing and +v-ing the posts of the past. What a difference.
Once a politically motivated writer, coals of curiosity ignited by a wandering brain, I read about my experiences and, literally, saw the difference in writing. Not in a good or bad way, but just as a moment of realization: where I was, where I could have gone and where I can choose to go.
I miss the flame I once had. The constant questioning of occurrences around me provided me with a sense of purpose. I had a mission in life and that goal was to try and understand it. I will never fully “get” life, but it is the perpetual pursuit of “getting” it that keeps me moving forward, evolving.
Going through my entries, you can sense a shift, right around Christmas and for specific reasons, in my mindset. I began to focus a lot of energy on the emotive aspect of my life because, well, that’s what I was going through. The reason I was an emotional mess: I just did not “get” what had happened. My brain was having a pleasant bath and then a toaster got chucked in. Takes time to heal crispy head-cheese.
Now, I do “get” it, or at least understand it a bit more.
So, it is, that I feel a little more myself, curiosity creeping back in. I am almost ashamed of the way I acted when I was in Buenos Aires. I was completely un-centered, an imbalance occurring behind my eyes, a loosened wheel wobbling back and forth. Sometimes, I feel like I am reading a different person’s thoughts entirely. Even my memories of that girl are outside of where my brain is right now.
Talking to my mom last night, actually melting down a little, decompressing the balloon that swelled in my chest, she gave me some advice and life-pointers. She told me that my phase in life is temporary and that this, too, shall pass. That’s what moms are for.
It seems as though, just at the point where I felt like giving up, she is always there to help me out. I am so fortunate to have parents that continually push me to be what I want to be. Most people end up going through changes in solitude, trying to figure life out with the added stress of having to work or socialize when you can’t even deal with yourself or de-actualize yourself in some other means. I truly am so lucky.
As a result, I feel like I am slowly coming back to, but I feel like there is one more thing I have to do to feel completely here, inside my body, completely present. That is, to regain a strength I once had, to stand on my own two feet without being crippled by the overwhelming natter around me, to be me, in all my imperfections.
The world can be a scary place, especially for those that live in countries with perfected fear tactics. Sometimes, curling up and hiding in bed is not a bad thing. But, to be human is to face the fear, stare it in the eye and say, “byyyeeeeee!”
Sometimes you have to snip snip in order to shift, to move away from going backwards.