13/06/2010 § 2 Comments
Courtesy of Jameson,
My breath was shallow when I first read this, not because I had an epiphany of its correctness, nor because I felt like one of those Damned Things, but because I realized that somewhere along the line I had flipped and turned into a bloody slotter.
For so long, I never judged people’s situations and what path they had chosen to take in life. The reason I did this was because I understood it. I never ever really know my own. You can’t be a snob when you have nothing to be snobby about.
However, as the years progressed, I became more intellectually enlightened. I saw and read about humanity’s potential, whether in developing thought, technology, creation of art, or production of goods. Yet, at the same time, I became spiritually disconnected by preparing judgment upon all those around me. I started pushing myself and others into slots in order to maintain an organized chaos. I had never felt this way before.
My motivation? To be loved, of course. The only thing that motivates a human being. We do all things out of love and fear, and fear is merely being afraid of not being loved. Fickle creatures.
I would say that most creatures’ main motivations are to procreate, to spread their seed, make for a stronger gene-pool. However, despite this natural impulsion the emotive need, reassurance of one’s worth, is still there. To love and to be loved in its purest form is the best chemical high one can ever experience. Problem seems to be you may never experience that same high again.
Perhaps, it is better that way.
Love is so pure and untainted when we are young. There are no wounds and you surrender everything over to the whims of others. You lose functionality — yes, it is a word — over your life. You become consumed with this romanticized ideal, you daydream of running through fields, sun streaming through trees, like the old photos you find in your grandparents’ closet. You think about the butterflies that float from your stomach into your throat and flutter through your lashes.
And then, through societal pressures — media, peers, family, school, etc. — we begin to force this feeling into a slot. That’s when things change. That’s when it can begin to end or just become different.
So it was, for some time now, that I watched myself commit this horrid slottering, not just in love, but in life. I was influenced by others around me to begin the slotter, they always asking me, what are you doing with your life? What do you want to be?
These questions would stress me out because if I did not find the answers to them I might not be lovable. For so long, my parents would tell me that people are silly to ask such things. My mom is an incredibly strong individual with a feisty spirit and outstanding moral character. My dad is quieter, pensive, and has a curious knack for developing skill at hobbies. He, too, has a strong sense of morals and ethics. For those that already know my parents, they are of an unconventional mindset. They have loved each other for 28 years, not because of who they are, but what they accept in each other.
It is times like this that I think of them. When I worry about figuring things out or witnessing the slottering around me or questioning whether I will have anything to offer someone, I think of my parents and the success that they inspire.
The truth is, I may not have money nor a big, beautiful house, truthfully, I cannot foresee that far; I probably will not own a car and if I did, it would probably be a used hunk of metal, preferably a 1991 Honda or an old Jeep TJ; I will always want to travel, whether it is in my mind or abroad; I would rather laugh and love than cry and work too much; I love reading and writing and would rather share it than get paid for it, though getting paid is not a bad thing; I prefer good conversations with people as opposed to good times, because inevitably times come with the people; I have thoughts and ideas about a lot of things and I want to hear about everyone else’s thoughts and ideas. It helps me grow.
I guess I do have a lot to offer, but right now nothing tangible to give. That is the slot you can put me in.