22/07/2011 § Leave a comment
“Here, take this. It’s supposed to be useful after an accident. It relieves the body of any physical trauma, like after a car crash.”
“But, I haven’t gotten into a car crash?”
“Sometimes the mind plays tricks on your body.”
Ten drops into a bottle of water. Slap the bottom 10 times. Chug it down.
I remember those instructions given to me just over a year ago. I remember not knowing what they meant because I could not wrap my head around the idea of being in a car at any giving moment. I had been on bicycles and inside buses and using my two-feet to meander through the Andes. Never once did I recall being in a collision.
And so I wrote the road I had taken (as if by rote). Scribble, scribble. My feelings of diasporadic vagabondish tendencies kept permeating within.
I once had a friend write to me about who we become and the difference from what was and what we is. Sometimes, we think what we were was what we did and what we is is what we should always be doing.
And I beg to differ.
Our essence never changes. Who we are is what we will always be and we just happen to be doing little things along the way.
I heard that as we get older, we begin to talk in years, like in 2009 I graduated school. In 1999, I went to my first concert. Well, in 2010, I was not myself. I went numbly through life, Post Trauma, and just went through the motions that was life. I wrote about this before so I won’t write it again. I wrote numbly without thought because my emotions were overwhelming me. I did things that I can’t remember doing because I had no idea I was doing them. I was not myself, even though I tried to convince others that I was. I went away to get perspective and now I am merely reflective on all the things that have happened.
I do not regret anything I did because they happened for a reason. I have bridged my wide open gaping-ness and found a little peace. And yes, I will see people around out of sheer coincidence of being in the same city and in the same group of friends, but knowing my “self” and all that I have ever wanted from my life, I realize that my car crashes have been self-induced. That’s ok, too, because I would never take back all of those epic moments and memories that have happened along the way, they are some of the best memories of my life.
Thank you, to all for have been there along the way. You all, are truly awesome.
As myself, let me tell you, to work conventionally abroad is back-breaking work. Their souls are intact, but my good-ness, the people there are so strong because of the endurance of life’s race. I have learned much about what that life means, how I can appreciate what I have, and how to go forth with the utmost love and respect for humanity.
Until soon. Much love. And to the many crashes that lay ahead.